Book: Janitor of Planet Anilingus
Author: Andrew Wayne Adams
Type of Book: Fiction, novella, bizarro
Why Do I Consider This Book Odd: With a title like that, how can it not be?
Availability: Published by Eraserhead in 2013, you can get a copy here:
Comments: We begin day three of my New Bizarro Authors Week with Andrew Wayne Adam’s Janitor of Planet Anilingus and, in all honesty, I started this book with no small amount of trepidation. As it is, about 35% of the search strings that bring people to my site involve necrophilia and horse dildos. I wondered what legacy this book would leave behind in the searches I view daily in my site statistics. Moreover, the title itself is enough to give one a bit of pause, I think. Planet Anilingus was likely to be a place wherein a tired woman would find little solace as she read late into the night, her husband snoring lightly, the suburban street silent as the normal people slept on, unaware that there was a place in the literary landscape dedicated to anus-licking.
Luckily for me, Janitor of Planet Anilingus is not the utterly ass-centric debauch I thought it would be. It has its moments of sexual lunacy but this is mostly a quest novel wherein a man loses everything as he tries to save the woman he thinks he loves. It has some atrociously gross moments, don’t get me wrong, but one of bizarro’s secrets is that the stories are the same as those you will find on the best-seller list. The stories differ only because they are peppered with unusual sex, weird species, grotesque details and strange and over-the-top humor.
The hero of this novella, Jack, as the title implies, is the janitor of Planet Anilingus. Planet Anilingus is a sort of destination spot, a DisneyWorld of sorts, for people deeply involved in butt-licking. Jack is completing a 40-day period, a time of Lent, wherein the planet is closed to visitors, spending his time tidying up and doing a deep clean before the revelers return. He is the only person on the planet, until a hairless, humanoid woman with helicopter blades that shoot up from her back lands on the planet. Someone is trying to kill this hairless woman, Nimue, and Jack does his best to protect her. In the course of his interactions with Nimue, he stops going to work and his boss, Bishop Eichmann, replaces him with his nephew Tommy. Tommy and Jack enter into a rivalry for Nimue’s attention and both end up, god help me, pregnant after her sexual ministrations. What the pregnancy does to the men is easily the grossest part of the book but I enjoyed it because poopy stuff makes me laugh. Nimue ultimately is not what she seems and even knowing of her sexual perfidy with Tommy, Jack still wants to save her from the rocket launching lunatic chasing her. Jack is not a man given to much in the way of emotion, probably because all the ass licking he witnesses has numbed him, and it’s an interesting choice on Adams’ part to insist that Jack be so removed emotionally because in the midst of all the chaos, any one else would have freaked out.
Before I begin telling you why this is a very good, funny, gross quest novella, I need to say that hallelujah, kiss the ground, this book is cleanly edited. I mean, there are a few errors, but this is the cleanest Eraserhead Press book I’ve read in at least two years. I swear on all that is worth discussing, half the battle with me is editing. I hate to seem like my standards have been lowered so much by the small presses that just reading clean copy makes me want to give a rave review but it’s getting to that point. However, I am going to show why this book is a good read on top of being edited well enough that nothing distracts the reader from the text. (Well, the content can distract a certain kind of reader, but it won’t be because the comma usage is maddeningly bad.)
Jack enjoys his time alone on the planet, except that being the only person around makes him the sole target of the cupids, a mutant insect.
One more week and Lent was over, and then the cupids would not bother him. His only trouble then would be the hundreds of thousands of people licking each other’s assholes day and night. They blanketed the planet, an orgy visible from space. Nonstop until next Lent.
At first there is nothing exceptional about this passage until one finishes the book. Jack is not a man who exaggerates and the third-person narration in this story follows suit with flat and earnest descriptions. After finishing this book, I realized the orgy likely was visible from space, and as a result, I felt extreme despair alongside Jack. A week of that sort of thing? Might wear thin after a few days. Months and months of so much butt-licking it is likely affecting the cosmos? Poor Jack.
And it just gets worse. Poor Jack, indeed.
His normal uniform consisted of nothing but a pair of lace underwear and a bow tie. It was crucial that no irregularity should sully the planet’s atmosphere of total debauchery and a stinky janitor intruding upon the middle of an orgy would certainly do so. The job even required him to practice erotic body language as he went about his work, movements choreographed to make dusting and mopping look sexy. And if some random reveler stole a lick of his ass, he had to pretend to like it, then extricate himself as expediently as possible.
What would OSHA make of that? I can’t help but think that a lot of the bizarros held very difficult menial jobs, or perhaps still do. If the above description involved dealing with feet and far less sex, the mental impact would not be too different from selling shoes. Kissing asses, handling feet – it’s all so demoralizing.
In addition to being inappropriately groped at work while mopping in a sexy manner, the rest of Jack’s job sucks as well.
“These men and women haven’t licked an asshole in six weeks,” the Bishop continued. “All they are dreaming of now is a return to Anilingus. They’re drooling for paradise, and we must deliver. I’m talking true Eden, Jack – as in, not one goddamn dust bunny on the planet, and every cobblestone, every leaf, shined to look like a scale from the reptilian skin of God. Can you handle that?”
Jack said, “I’m on top of things.”
“If you fuck up, I’ll have you peeling potatoes on Vore.”
A demotion to peeling potatoes on Vore. Jesus, the implications… This passage made me laugh so hard that Mr. Oddbooks wanted to know what I was laughing about. I was shocked when he knew what “vore” meant. I don’t really know him at all, do I?