Oddtober 2024: Plastic Soul by James Nulick

Book: Plastic Soul

Author: James Nulick

Type of Book: Fiction, science fiction

Why Do I Consider This Book Odd: It answers questions that science fiction has tried to address for years, among them: What fuels the desire for humans to clone themselves and what do the clones really think about the experience? Nulick takes us from the collective soul to the plastic soul and it’s eerie.

Availability: This book is available for pre-order for both an “artist” edition as well as a “jank” edition.

Disclosures: James Nulick is a friend of mine.

Comments: James Nulick has spent the last few years traveling down two different paths. He first introduced readers to his Drake® world in his short story collection, Haunted Girlfriend in the short story, “Body by Drake.” Set in the not-too-distant future, Drake® Corp is almost as important as the government and exists in a world that is only dystopian because it so resembles how we currently live taken to its logical conclusions of ecological destruction, sociological quagmires, and a growing separation between the rich and poor. We saw more of this world in the short story collection Lazy Eyes, a familiar but uncomfortable sense that the roiling inequities that plague us now will take root so deeply that our futures are cast in stone before the calendar pages even get a chance to turn.

As he created Drake® world, James was also exploring an interesting idea that human beings are cosmically linked to one another in ways we don’t often see and seem impossible. In his novel, The Moon Down to Earth, unlikely characters share the same thoughts. A super-morbidly obese Hispanic female shut-in, a mixed race young man who wants to be a rapper, an elderly racist widower living in a trailer – their thoughts at times mirrored each other in a way that pointed toward the mystical, almost as if the much-derided “hive mind” was at play. He later expanded these connections in Lazy Eyes, where animals and humans began to exhibit those cosmic links with each other. The dead live, the voiceless communicate, and the lines of human and animal experiences are blurred.

These two paths meet in Nulick’s latest novel, Plastic Soul. When I first read this novel, the realization that Nulick had been world-weaving all this time, culminating in this unique, frightening yet strangely hopeful novel, was humbling. For years James Nulick has been tossing crumbs for his readers to follow, world-weaving in a manner that in itself seems as magical as the tendrils he sees that hold us together. It’s tempting at times to discuss the existential questions this novel raises, but it almost seems like an insult to me to explore this novel with a larger philosophy to guide you. Philosophy has little place in magic, I think. Any real philosophical examination of this novel would necessitate the use of quantum theory and I am not Richard Feynman. This novel made me feel, at times, as if I were one of the apes who found the obelisk at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey, and now I feel the urge to make tools.

I decided to discuss this book for Oddtober 2024 because it is, at times, so very creepy. This novel is cinematic, the sort of book that creates profound visuals. A medical facility that cloaks unethical activities behind a veneer of sterile luxury juxtaposed with the sort of secretive suburban childhood familiarized in early Spielberg films. Fleets of cars chauffeured by a slender, attractive Asian man named James (private car ownership has been banned in the Drake®-driven universe). A wealthy home with grounds devoted to bee cultivation. A thrift store with couture-priced designer labels. This novel fairly cries out for a cinematic adaptation.

The novel introduces the reader to a world wherein the rich can clone themselves in order to ease their loneliness, only to realize that the human will is no less forceful in medically manufactured human beings. There is a cloying creepiness that is reminiscent of the more clinical elements of David Cronenberg films (if Dead Ringers comes to mind when you read this novel, we can be friends), there is a nervous anticipation as the reader waits to see what will happen when clones are shipped to live with their genetic donors, and a sickening feeling that Nulick is showing us how easily we will be victimized by the very technology we hope will save us, both us and the other living creatures we create.

Ultimately, in science fiction, we’ve learned that even with the best intentions fueling our actions, there is never a good outcome where human clones are concerned. Even when cloning is cloaked with the idea that it benefits mankind, we still have human beings we classify as The Other so we can justify harvesting their organs, forcing them to do dangerous work, or, in the case of Plastic Soul, being used to cure the loneliness their DNA donors experience in their wealthy, exclusionary lives.

To inject a little bit of humor into this very serious discussion, this novel also addresses the age old question of what it is human beings do with their clones: Would you have sex with your clone or robotic replicant if you were able to? James also answers the mostly unasked question of how the clones feel about the option even being on the table in the first place.

If I seem like I am dancing around what is happening in this novel, it is because I am doing just that. To discuss the reasons why people do what they do in Plastic Soul, the real, deep, evolutionary reasons, will absolutely spoil the novel. But I can convey the visuals and give an overall sense of theme by following the book’s layout and telling you a bit about the characters whose names are the chapters in the book.

“MRS NARCISSUS/Sylvie Biusom,” sets up the visuals and overall tone of the novel. Sylvie was named for Sylvia Plath, but unlike her namesake, she lived with her father and was abandoned by her mother. Of course Sylvia Plath’s father, Otto, did not abandon her – he died – but Sylvia as a child interpreted his absence as an abandonment and it affected her for the rest of her life. Sylvie, who was actually abandoned, also carries the impact of that abandonment and it has thwarted her. She does not like people, she loathes being touched, but for all that she adores her father, she still longs for companionship outside of just his company. Her father, a very wealthy man, likes to keep bees, much as Otto Plath did, and Sylvie helps him as much as she can with beekeeping.

Sylvie’s haughty officiousness hides a deep loneliness even as she denies experiencing any sort of sexual attraction because she so dislikes human connection. So how does a person like Sylvie achieve any sort of happiness in life? Watching the Blip – a future means of watching visual media – she sees an ad from The Chrysalis Institute. The ad features a woman sitting across from a mirror image of herself, and asks the question:

How much would you pay to have an honest conversation with yourself?

It turns out she would be willing to pay a lot, and she sends for a driver to take her to the Institute so she can pay outrageous sums so she can recreate herself and in eighteen months have an honest conversation. At a clinical but luxurious facility, she is treated deferentially and given all the details she will need to clone herself. It takes about a year, using proprietary nutrients and chemicals, to grow a clone to adulthood, and another six months to train the clone in language. The clone also has all her memories, which means, presumably, the clone will know all of Sylvie’s motivations in creating a clone in the first place.

There are three extremely important things those who commission clones must understand. The first is that all clones must be older than twelve years old when they leave the Institute to ensure no one creates a clone to engage in pedophilia, an arbitrary age cut-off that seems significant only to those who created the rule. The second is that they must not ever have sex with their clones. The third is that all clones are outfitted with a sort of kill switch so they can be terminated at will should the need arise. It is extremely expensive to commission a clone so generally one assumes that people would not want to kill a clone unless they were billionaire psychopaths, and it should also sow a bit of unease that there is some worry that a clone might need to be killed for some reason, necessitating a kill switch in the first place.

The place on the clones’ bodies where the kill switches are located should also sow unease. A lot of it.

Sylvie names her clone Jenny, a name with a heavy biological implication. Sylvie also notices that the driver who ferries her around is somehow always the same man, an Asian man named James. When Jenny is finally delivered to Sylvie, their meeting is touching and glorious but… There’s always a but in stories like this. Jenny states plainly the real difficulty in commissioning a clone.

When you created all this, without asking, of course, did you ever consider what I might want?

How can it possibly occur to a “woman born” human that an exact replica of themselves, with their memories and equal intellect, will not want to have that conversation The Chrysalis Institute promotes?

“BRO BOT: Joey Osbium” is the most important chapter in the book and therefore the one I will discuss the least because the scope of his life cements how terrible the new world really is. After a childhood spent sharing a room with his older sister, creating a deep bond with her, and falling in love with his best friend who was heterosexual and likely never picked up on Joey’s adoration and sexual attraction, Joey becomes a grown-up orphan. His parents die, his sister marries and seldom bothers with her younger brother, and when Joey begins to fall in love with his fellow partner at his law firm, he more or less retires. His family left him with an extraordinary amount of money so he does not need to work, and when his loneliness becomes too much to bear, he too decides he would like to have a conversation with himself.

The end of Joey’s chapter is so uniquely considered and beautifully-executed that it is almost impossible to describe.

“PLASTIC SOUL/Daria Moore Thompson, M.D.” is the most disturbing chapter, and Dr. Thompson is a deeply loathsome woman. Though at the end of the book she comes very near to experiencing an upswing in her character arc, her innately disgusting nature taints the small amount of good she manages to bring to the table. Dr. Thompson has a husband who adores her, a fairly nice life and income, and a wardrobe of designer clothing, but she is appalled that she is aging and her unrequited love for one of the founders of The Chrysalis Institute warps her psyche so profoundly that she inflicts disturbing harm on one of the clones who lives at the Institute, a clone made in the image of her beloved.

Yes, founders of the Institute cloned themselves and permit those clones to be used for research or as unpaid labor, and likely do not care what happens to their mirror images when the lights go out. A huge clue as to what is happening comes from Dr. Thompson:

Honeybees are the most perfectly socialized beings on the planet, and we can learn a lot from them…

“THE PERFECT BODY/Iyama Siyos” is the final chapter and it is through Iyama’s eyes that we finally see the genuine evil being wrought at the Institute. Iyama represents the good that man does in spite of himself and is far better than those who created him. In his late teens, he is a clone who must remain at the Institute, as he is a clone made for research. He knows he is made in the image of an Institute bigwig, he knows he has “siblings” born naturally to his DNA donor, and slowly understands his role in a technological machine that does not endow him with the same humanity as those who are “woman born.”

Iyama is in love with James, the slender Asian driver, and it is through his genuine emotional and sexual attachment to James that influences how Iyama finally decides to deal with his lot in life. Nulick deviates from the cinematic nature of the novel by showing a realistic escape attempt. No massive explosions. No gunfights. No final speech from the mad scientist. Just a naive, scarred-up boy, who is human regardless of what “woman born” scientists think about him, trying to take control of what happens to him, endowed with a youthful hopefulness that steers him away from simple compliance.

It is through Iyama that the horrors become clear through the eyes of a teen who feels unease when he should feel rage, who feels genuine love rather than self-serving lust, who at the end may not really know that he has, indeed, suffered.

Throughout the novel, the not-so-distant future element is grounded by framing it with current events. Dr. Thompson was born the day the Challenger exploded. 2020 is referred to as a “difficult year” and the events of that year described as a specific attempt to control ecological problems. In its way, these revelations are humorous, compared to the rest of the text. Nulick also gives us several stories of people who used body parts obtained from Chrysalis clones that are darkly hilarious. Sometimes having a conversation with yourself cannot solve your problems so imagine the issues that may arise when a new tongue does not make you feel better about yourself.

As you read this novel, there may be moments wherein you think Nulick needed an editor with a heavier hand to eliminate repetition in these individual stories. The repetition is not a bug, it’s a feature, and it is necessary to spell out what is really happening in Nulick’s world. The experiences at The Chrysalis Institute are nearly identical. There is a common interest in expensive labels and designer clothes. The color orange is important. And the bees. Drones, queens, many-chambered hives.

When I step back and look at the way Nulick meticulously set up the two paths of work that led to this common destination, it makes me feel something akin to jealousy because it is impossible not to marvel at this sort of long term vision. This is a book I highly recommend and hope this discussion does it justice. You really need to read this and when you do, please come back and tell me what you think. And always remember, as we learn in Sylvie’s chapter, with all apologies to Jane’s Addiction, we’ll make great pets.

Oddtober 2024: Haunted Houses by Kathryn Hemmann

Told y’all we’d be talking about some Oddtober-related ‘zines! I know we just got finished with ‘Zine September but the first few Oddtober 2024 entries have been a bit heavy. I need something lighter to end the week and Haunted Houses by Kathryn Hemmann fits the bill. It’s got a creepy bite to it, but if a ten-year-old kid picked it up, they could flip through it without ruining their childhood.

Haunted Houses is an extremely pretty ‘zine, with drawings and seventeen pieces of flash fiction. The inside cover says:

The seventeen short stories in this collection dwell in haunted places. If you get lost in the words, you might be alarmed at first, but you’ll get used to it.

You live here now.

Kathryn Hemmann wrote the stories and created the drawings and through them explores different ways places can be haunted. She explores how people can be haunted, too. Though this is pretty and all together less horrifying than the two books that started Oddtober 2024, there is some very creepy darkness in it as well. An endless hallway that rivals the five and a half minute hallway in Mark Danielewski’s House of Leaves, decaying neighborhoods that swallow people, a person who creeps through houses at night so he or she can smell people when they are sleeping, and more. My favorite is the extraordinarily effective and creepy “Final Project Proposal.” The story is very short, micro-fiction actually, coming in at under 200 words. In that short piece, Hemmann incorporated the trope of the mad scientist, the evil dungeon master, and the miserable experiment forced to live penned up. So effective and so horrible. It’s perfect.

Because this ‘zine is flash fiction, I cannot engage in the in-depth dissection approach I prefer to take when discussing works here. But if you are a fan of the deceptively creepy, always wondering what unnerving things lurk in offices and old homes, you’ll like this little ‘zine. I wish I had not ordered this specifically for Oddtober because I would have loved to give Mr. OTC a copy for Halloween and since he proofreads my entries here, it would have ruined the surprise. If you’re interested in a copy, you can get one here.

Hemmann also continues with the goodwill I’ve come to expect from ‘zine makers, and included a couple of gratis items, including a lovely bookmark. Said it before and I’ll say it again: ‘zine makers are some of the most generous people with their work.

Be sure to keep an eye out for next week because I think I may actually have a book or two even the most ardent horror fans may not have seen. Bug chasers. A Komsomol girl versus a serial killer. Folk horror. And more! See you Monday.

Oddtober 2024: I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

When I was a little girl, maybe seven or eight years old, I watched a movie on television that affected me deeply. I’ve discussed some of my very specific fears before on this site and interestingly all of them were provoked by media and not some innate fear common to children. For example, I get very antsy around people wearing full-face masks or too much makeup, and that was the result of being terrified by an Alice Cooper tour commercial I saw when I was very young.

For all that it scared me, this is actually is a very sad film.

The fear I want to discuss here developed after I watched the film Bad Ronald. Have you seen it? It’s a made for TV film adapted from a novel by author Jack Vance and it absolutely messed me up. The plot of the film is that a divorced mother who suffers from mental and physical illness, has raised her with the hopes that he could become a doctor so he can cure her sickness. Her teen son, Ronald, is awkward and an outsider at school – kind of like a male Carrie but without telekinesis – and one day he decides to ask a girl out on a date. She declines and laughs him down. Later her younger sister mocks Ronald, who pushes her so hard on the ground that she suffers a fatal head injury. After racing home and telling his mother what happened, she decides to cover a door with wallpaper and essentially walls Ronald up in the house so the police can never find him. Seclusion causes Ronald to descend into a fantasy world where he is a prince who is going to protect his princess from an evil intruder. Then his mother dies and the house is sold, unaware that Ronald was living in a hidden room. The new owners have three teen daughters and Ronald decides one of them is his princess and that an older boyfriend is the evil intruder and things go bad but ultimately the only other death is a nosy neighbor who is literally scared to death.

Clearly Ronald never crept into the shower.

For the record, it is not a good movie. Not the worst movie made in 1974 but arguments could be made that it belongs on some sort of “worst of” top ten list. It also stars Scott Jacoby, who was also in The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, an early Jodie Foster/Martin Sheen film that also involves a hidden cellar entrance and a creepy man who accesses the house.

Ronald becomes filthy and creeps around the house at night, eating food, stealing family items, watching the family sleep, all while still living in his dream world of himself as a prince trying to protect a princess from harm. The images of him emerging from the dark, dirty and deranged, spying, stealing and moving things around, affected me and eventually every time I heard something creak in the house, I would freeze in fear like a squirrel who sighted a hawk. I began to develop the idea that someone was creeping around in the house between the walls, which would be impossible with the crappy little 1950s house we lived in. I even intuitively understood that we did not have the sort of house that could provide enough room for an intruder to skulk between the walls, but I still could not shake the fear that every time I heard something or felt like something had been moved without me touching it that someone was in the house, stalking me.

This specific fear was cemented during a two month period when both of my parents were working night shift. I was in the third grade and had to be alone in the house from the time I got home from school until my father arrived home after midnight (my parents were broke and had interesting perspectives on child rearing plus we had no family in the area, so don’t think too badly of them). Add to it that at the time we didn’t have phone service, and I spent a nice chunk of time absolutely terrified.

This scenario is somehow still less upsetting than *Bad Ronald* creeping around the house.

It faded over time, but the fear of someone being in the house would remain a thought in the back of my head until my mother and her new husband moved into a far less ramshackle home. However, even living in a place that made far less noise didn’t eliminate the fear entirely. When Wes Craven’s The People Under the Stairs came out, it revived the fear and twisted it into a generic fear of someone being in the house. Given who I am, when the movie cycled over onto cable, I watched it every time I could. The titular people under the stairs were portrayed as monsters, but they were made into monsters by their captors and ultimately were forces of good, but the idea of ragged, abused people living under my nose without me knowing, was just another wrinkle in the same “someone’s here and watching” cloth.

Then, god help me, I read about the Lalaurie case. Whether or not the details are all true, the accepted story is that Delphine Lalaurie, a demented slave owner in New Orleans, was experimenting on her slaves, chaining them throughout the mansion and performing ghoulish experiments on them that sound as if they were straight out of Nazi research or Unit 731. A fire broke out in the house in 1834, allegedly started by a slave who was chained in the kitchen and was hoping to draw attention to her plight, and the fire brigade discovered the horrific torture chambers. The abuse was so egregious that even during Plantation era slavery in Louisiana, people were appalled and stormed the house, but Madame Lalaurie was able to escape and is believed to have fled to France. No one had any idea she was doing this, torturing, maiming and killing slaves right under the noses of her neighbors. I’ve often wondered if the Lalaurie case was partial inspiration for The People Under the Stairs.

I did not develop a phobia or fear from the Lalaurie case and a Wes Craven film, but the essential premises linked my brain back to Bad Ronald: there may be a hidden place in homes where deranged people are living, or, worse, being harmed. But mostly I forgot about it because I had student loans and the Internet had not been invented yet.

Enter Reddit.

I cannot recall how many times people have found a hidden space in their homes that someone had been living in, or found evidence of someone living in an attic or cellar. Sometimes families lived in those homes for years before discovering someone had been creeping into their house without them knowing, doing god knows what while they were sleeping. When we bought our house, luckily we purchased a more modern built home that is essentially cardboard held together with wall putty but lacks a basement and the only place someone could hide is, interestingly, under the stairs, but we’ve been in and out of that space making repairs over the years, so I know no one is there. Plus an adult male who seldom leaves me alone at night lives here so when the cats do something that produces creepy sounds, he can go and check on it. Also I’m sort of an adult now, and can permit the adult part of my brain to drive me around these days. I still am extremely uneasy when people wear scary masks or wear corpse paint apropos of nothing but I’m not afraid of them. I just wish they wouldn’t. And this is similar. It was never as closely as held a fear as my mask/makeup issues – it’s just something I remember viscerally when “triggered.”

But every now and then, I see something like this and I feel that same sort of chilly creepiness that I experienced the first time I saw Bad Ronald.

Even though this video is fake, it’s still so horrifying I have to include it here. An aspiring actor hoping to go viral concocted this video of a woman living in the crawlspace over his apartment. The premise: he set up the camera because he’d noticed food and things going missing. This woman was descending into his apartment at night, eating food, watching television, and even urinating in his kitchen sink. Because I also have a germ aversion (caused by the same house I lived in when Bad Ronald warped me, a shit heap if there ever was one), the idea that someone could creep around at night and pee in my sink is just too much to think about.

There are a shocking number of videos about this sort of thing happening on YouTube and I am unsure how many have been debunked. It almost veers into the supernatural, thinking about how someone can creep around your home, creating their own home while you sleep or are away, and you never know it until you set up a camera after noticing things going missing, or remodel the house and break through a suspiciously thin wall, or get norovirus repeatedly because a stray human keeps urinating in your sink.

All in all, I have remarkably few genuine fears for someone this neurotic but this was one of those times when the fear that plagued me as a kid actually manifested for other people in real life. But I’m also proud to announce that I watched The People Under the Stairs on Shudder last week and was able to reminisce about my weird childhood rather than force Mr. OTC to search the house top to bottom when our stupidest cat fell off a shelf into the laundry bucket at three A.M.

Tell me about the weird thing that scared you when you were young. Was it the result of unmonitored television time? Did you grow out of it or did it get worse as you got older? Let me know!

Oddtober 2024: Fluids by May Leitz

Book: Fluids

Author: May Leitz

Type of Book: Fiction, novel, horror, extreme horror

Why Do I Consider This Book Odd: Extreme horror is odd by default, and the odd was strong in this book. This book also demonstrated to me that I really need to organize my book shopping habits.

Availability: Self-published by BookBaby in 2022, you can get hard and digital copies on Amazon.

Comments: I saw the movie We’re All Going to the World’s Fair (and will be discussing it this month), which I liked quite a bit. I did my usual rabbit hole routine of researching the film, the director, the guy who performed the music and the cast. I found out that a YouTuber called NyxFears had a small role in the film and as I looked into her career, saw she had written this book, which I ordered (probably off Bandcamp, but I may be wrong). Then the book got placed in my to-be-read pile that by now has hundreds of books waiting for me to get my ass in gear.

A year passed and a casual stroll on the Goodreads tag for “extreme horror” showed me a book called Fluids by May Leitz. I went on Amazon, got the ebook, and read it. I was not blogging regularly at the time, but I figured at some point I would discuss it here. As I was looking through my to-be-read pile, I found the hard copy for Fluids and had one of those moments wherein I understood I had yet again purchased the same book twice but it took me reading the first three pages to jog my memory. I wish I could say this was the first time I have done this. Hell, I wish I could say that this was only the twentieth time I’ve done this.

All of the above is by way of saying that I have an extra copy of this book that is pristine despite me having read the first few pages and the first person who guesses who was president of the United States when I was born will win it. Just leave me a comment on this entry with your guess. People who are related to me by blood or marriage or went to high school with me are excluded from guessing.

Back to the book.

I entered into reading this book knowing little more than that someone who appeared in a film I liked wrote it and that the cover said it was an extreme horror novel. It is indeed extreme, but stands out from the crowd for being so extremely well-written. Extreme horror as a genre produces chaotic text, but within the chaos, you seldom find the attention to characterization and psychological motivation that you see in this novel. For a self-published book, it is well-edited and the writing overall is very strong. It’s not for the faint of heart, however, so if discussions of violence upset you, consider giving this discussion a miss.

Oddtober 2024: We Are Here to Hurt Each Other by Paula Ashe

Book: We Are Here to Hurt Each Other

Author: Paula Ashe

Type of Book: Short story collection, horror, extreme horror

Why Do I Consider This Book Odd: It’s hard to take me by literary surprise. I absolutely was not expecting what this book delivered.

Availability: Published in 2022 by Nictitating Books, you can get copies here. For the record, I read the Kindle version.

Comments: This book is perfect to start off with for Oddtober 2024. I’ve been on a horror kick lately, and luckily most types of extreme horror lend themselves well to oddness. This book is not in-your-face weird, but rather is weird in that creepy, unsettling way that is often hard to explain. Paula Ashe is a rare writer in her willingness to explore the minds of both the victim and the assailant without sentimentality or a pious morality. Rather, she looks at the human condition with a sharp, focused eye, showing us the will of the victim and the will of the abuser, sometimes blurring the lines between the two without pandering.

Ashe had to defend this approach in her own epilogue. She explains that people actually do take value in the way she presents abuse, saying, “…there are other people who read my work for solace. For understanding. For a bizarre and bitter reprieve.” I am one of those people. As long-time readers of this site may recall, the gut punch from fiction like this was better for me in the end than years of therapy wherein all I was permitted to do was navigate my own suffering rather than build a foundation of knowledge about the human condition. It’s heartbreaking to realize we live in a culture wherein a woman who has written some of the best horror fiction to come across my radar has to apologize for daring to explore the depths and motives behind human evil. Wonderful…

This is a relatively short collection – eleven stories in 133 pages – and you can easily read it in one sitting. I’ve reread the whole of it a couple of times now, and have read two of the stories several times as I attempted to run to ground some of the names and spells mentioned in them. Ashe merges the ancient into the modern and mixes her own horrors with established devils with such skill that I still am unsure if some of her stories are wholly of her own creation or if my research skills have failed me. She inspired me to dig deeper, and even if her prose had fallen short, spurring curiosity beyond the book itself is often worth the price of admission. Luckily, her prose was on the mark, visceral and beautiful. Absolutely savage in some places. She keeps a steady balance between the gloriously cruel and the bitterly hopeful.

One of the many charms of this collection is that Ashe experiments in style and method of story-telling. The story “Grave Miracles” will remind younger readers of “ritual” creepy pastas, wherein an authoritative, omniscient voice gives instructions so the reader can perform a specific series of steps to succeed in paranormal games or endeavors. Ashe constructs her story “Grave Miracles” using such a framework, outlining the startling steps one would take to bring a dead wife back to life and the things that will have to happen to keep her “alive” and flourishing. This story is immediately followed by “Exile in Extremis,” an email exchange between an investigative reporter and her contacts at a magazine. The magazine has published her story about grave robbing, young women coming back from the dead, and an entity known as the Priest of Breathing, and the editor and the magazine CEO need her to reveal her sources. A police investigation was launched as a result of the story and the journalist, Elle, sharp and nearly-unshakeable, does all she can to protect the editor from probing into the story any further. The story manages to be horrifying yet amusing, as Elle deftly uses illegal tactics and the threat of social embarrassment to protect innocent but annoying people from themselves.

Another surprise for me was Jacqueline Laughs Last in the Gaslight. I’m no “Ripperologist,” in that I can’t recite every little bit about the Jack the Ripper killings, but I’ve swam in that true crime lake, reading a lot of non-fiction as well as fictionalized accounts of the Whitechapel murders. I’ve come across a lot of “Jill the Ripper” theories, asserting that Jack was really a woman. This is the best Jill the Ripper story I’ve come across, assigning the protagonist a believable motive and bestowing her with the skills to commit believable violence. I can’t discuss it in any depth without potentially ruining the story, but Ashe both adapts her style to fit what one imagines an omniscient narrator’s voice would sound like as she narrates in 1888, while simultaneously holding on to the earthy, erotic tone the story demands. It’s a delicate balance, and one that Ashe manages marvelously. Describing Jacqueline and her minister husband, she says:

In Whitechapel’s rookery of wastrel the fine pair is as prominent as a hanged man’s prick.

I dare you to write a line more provocative and perfect than this. You can’t do it. You’ll cramp up. If you do try, be sure to stretch out first.

Ashe’s focus ranges from folklore to true crime, ancient history to inter-dimensional time travel. She tackles the horror of what happens when filial evil destroys maternal love and how one woman’s reaction to terrible abuse destroyed the sister she wanted to save. She picks out little, terrible details that, to the right reader, marry together reality and her fiction. A single line from “Carry On, Carrion,” brought to mind one of the more unique details from the miserable story of Tristan Bruebach.* Each story has little details like that, little pieces of horror from real life that make her stories all the creepier because, as we know, the truth is always far more fucked up than fiction.

The final story in the collection, “Telesignatures from a Future Corpse” is likely the piece that is the “price of admission” story for many, and indeed it is a great story. However, I want to discuss the two stories that caused me to spend hours researching old cults and folklore recitations of protection. In discussing these two stories I will likely spoil them some so read on with this in mind.

Blow My Colon #3 by Anthony Vegue

For weeks, I tore up my office, closet and various bookshelves and could not find this ‘zine. I decided to discuss another ‘zine in it’s place, but before I truly committed I finally asked the long-suffering Mr. OTC to have a look. He sauntered into my office and five minutes later came out with Blow My Colon Issue 3 in his hands. I was relieved that he found it for a variety of reasons but not least among them is that in its place I had planned to discuss the 2020 compilation of The Deprogrammer, which is a hoot (and culturally interesting), but, in tackling it before another election involving Trump, I feared it would result in comments threatening to tar and feather or lynch me and I don’t have the time to run risk assessment. Maybe in 2026.

Blow My Colon Issue 3 holds few qualms in that regard because the target audience of this ‘zine are too tired to give a crap. BMC3 is the delightful “Clerks” edition. It was released in 1996, when Kevin Smith’s 1994 Clerks was still experiencing a lot of social cache and word of mouth. Back then movies could remain in the public consciousness for years. It was a simpler time. When I bought this, I had just quit managing a shoe store in Dallas, a job that left me feeling utter contempt for my fellow man and a new understanding of what causes workplace violence. I departed from that job with an angry nihilism combined with an almost-psychic ability to peg an aggressive asshole or condescending classist in an instant. At the end of the job, a thief could have come into the store with a Red Flyer wagon, dumped the contents of the cash register and half the purse displays into it, and walked out and I would have robotically told them to have a good day.

But this ‘zine reminded me that things could always be worse.

This ‘zine is devoted to the men and women who staff gas stations and convenience stores, especially the night shift heroes who get to deal with drunks, bathroom shit-smearers*, and counting the cigarettes. Always counting cigarettes. Even with the massive change in technology we’ve experienced since 1996, these three issues still plague the lives of the convenience store clerk. This ‘zine tells the stories of the people who work these jobs and the derelicts and deviants who make their lives miserable.

And right about now I feel that I need to warn readers that if you are easily offended or angered, stop reading now.

I think you have to have cleaned a bathroom on Christmas Eve after a person with questionable hygiene had violent diarrhea while everyone else is at home, cozy and drinking eggnog, to fully understand the human experience. The stories of these brave men and women are sobering but mostly hilarious, though a bit gross at times.

For example, take Dave, who worked at a gas station in Erie, PA. He got the job just to stretch out his unemployment benefits, showed up absolutely stoned for every shift but was still praised for picking up the job details faster than anyone else in the store. The only way to make the job more challenging was to get even more stoned. When “massively high,” he’d work slowly, causing the line to pay to become very long.

That’s where it was helpful to wear a hat – keep that bill pointed down, never look the customer in the eye, laugh maniacally to yourself.

Dave also goes on at length about his coworkers and the more annoying customers who treated him like a therapist or vented their repellent political opinions at him.

Scoth from Indianapolis mentioned the three things that are present in almost all accounts of late night convenience store or gas station jobs. Free coffee, which a clerk must drink until their hearts began racing so quickly there was no discernible time between beats. Second, relentless theft, by employees and customers alike. Third, the cigarettes. Always counting cigarettes.

Josh from Oregon elegantly summed up the customer service experience:

Unless you’ve lived it, you can never fully understand the total impact of this hell on earth. I gained thirty pounds, an additional chin, and bags under my eyes that could pack a family of four. I worked graveyard so my bitterness is perfectly understandable.

He describes a terrible customer who threw milk at him and the utter indignity that waited for him:

He threw the milk jug at me on the way out. I don’t think the dude knew just what that meant to me. Not only was I forced to get up off my lazy ass and clean up the fuckin mess, but I was left with an over-ring. But worse than all the fucking pricks like that was counting those goddamed cigarettes every morning.

Adam from Santa Fe confirmed a lot of things many of us suspected about those in such service jobs:

Sometimes now I piss in the window cleaner. Then I watch all those dumb fucks wash their windows with it all day.

Even worse:

I spit everywhere. Coffee pots and ice machines and in the sandwiches we sell.

And, as always:

The worst thing about this fuck job though is counting the cigarettes.

Such jobs alter the way your brain works, as explained by Joe Gallo from New Jersey. One night when a seventeen-year-old girl accidentally drove through the front of the store, nearly taking out a line of people waiting to buy Lotto tickets, Joe’s reaction was interesting:

First thing I said: “Holy shit!” Next thing I said: “Awesome!”

Someone helpfully laid out their usual work tasks.

Also hilarious were the product reviews:

Waxie’s Gelled Rite-Away

Ok, this shit claims to remove “graffiti within 6 hours.” Sounds great if your graffiti is lipstick. Or erasable pen. Or a pencil, Or better yet, a piece of paper with “Chaka” sprayed on it, taped to the wall.

Since the clerk knew his boss would “shit a horse” if he saw some painted graffiti on the wall, he booked it to the stall with Waxie’s Gelled Rite-Away and when he was finished, the white paint was stripped down to the metal but the graffiti remained.

The ‘zine also includes a nice list of films from the eighties and nineties that depict the clerk experience, the weird gum you can find at convenience stores, shopping cart racing, a helpful list of ‘zines to read on the clock (featuring Fringe Ware Review, which is worth mentioning because I am almost certain I purchased this at the old FringeWare store on Guadalupe), and many humorous observations about cops.

And in case you were wondering, yes, the clerks frequently have sex in the store. Or at least they did in 1996. I suspect it is more difficult but if the coolers in back are not surveilled, you can probably bank on the fact that if you are waiting five minutes for a clerk to ring you up at 3:45 am, chances are he or she is in the cooler or a random storage closet expressing their love for their partner in a physical manner.

The nineties were the last time when people could be free to engage in compensatory retaliation. Yeah, yeah, spitting everywhere is unsanitary** and “you’re getting paid to work you communist” but I don’t care because being micromanaged with cameras on you from every angle as you spend half-an-hour with a religious fanatic Protestant, who is upset that you are selling Catholic glass canister candles, begging her to give you her credit card so you can charge her so she can leave, is worth a stolen six-pack or a furtive blow job under the counter. Cutting off the working person’s ability to blow off steam at work is probably why we as a nation are ready at a moment’s notice to kill each other. This ‘zine reminds me that I’m kind of old these days, but it was fun remembering the activity that radicalized me more than any politician or religious figure could – working the register.

Unfortunately finding a copy of this ‘zine will prove to be difficult but sometimes just knowing something this incredible exists is enough.

‘Zine September now comes to a close. I may do this again, especially if I get some good ‘zine recommendations. I also have some ‘zines I want to discuss in October. Except next month is ODDtober, where I hope to discuss creepy and frightening ‘zines, music, books and films.

*I once worked at a Half-Price Books. Best job of my life, I loved it but I was seasonal, and I would work there again in a moment, even taking into account the bathrooms. The women’s bathroom was a nightmare. Twice in my brief time there, someone smeared shit all over the ladies’ room stalls. The manager of the store was a rock star of a woman and and felt it was her responsibility to clean up when that happened but the second time I did it. I volunteered to do it because the manager had just learned she was pregnant. The ladies’ room also suffered from women not using their Diva cups with consideration for their fellow man, leaving period blood smeared on the doors and faucets, and one time, a defiant woman left huge blood clots clogging the bathroom sink.

But the best bathroom cleaning experience came from the men’s room. Someone had peed all over the wall outside of a regular stall, as well as all over the inside of the stall itself. As I was mopping up, I noticed sneaker prints on the back of the toilet – the store was old so the toilets were the sort you find in homes, with a tank with a lid and a regular flush mechanism. Smallish sneaker prints. I am not a forensics expert but I am reasonably sure a pre-teen boy stood atop the toilet tank and just peed all over the bathroom. I could not even be mad at it. I could just feel the degenerate glee that kid must have felt as he soaked the place in piss and wished him well in his future job in finance.

** If you’re eating gas station-prepared food anywhere but Buc-ees, some stoner spitting on your sandwich will be the least of your problems.

10 Best Revenge Movies Written by Women by APac

I ordered this ‘zine recently because it was bundled with some interesting horror film ‘zines, but I am a sucker for these sort of top ten lists because I generally end up with at least a couple of pieces of new media to check out.

There are so many revenge movies that have female protagonists who seek vengeance for terrible things done to them, notably I Spit on Your Grave, The Brave One, and Ms. 45. I tend to thinkCarrie is as well. However, those films were directed by men and this list focuses on those directed by women, which ensured I would find a few films new to me.

Of the ten films, I have seen only three. One is Prevenge, directed by comedian Alice Lowe, which features a pregnant heroine seeking to kill those whom she holds responsible for the death of her romantic partner. I enjoyed it quite a bit, so much so that I watched it three times. My favorite scene is when the protagonist and one of her future victims burst out singing Nik Kershaw’s “Wouldn’t It Be Good.”

Another is Violation, directed by Madeleine Sims-Fewer. I really disliked this film because I disagree with the essential premise. Should a perpetrator who misinterpreted sexual signs, who believed he had consent, be tortured and brutally slain because he got it wrong? None of this was helped by how unlikable the heroine was, because her behavior was so unpleasant that I almost walked away with the belief that she wanted to destroy her sister’s happy life and succeeded in spades. I’m not condemning her by implying she is a “bad victim” but rather stating that her aggressively sexual behavior with her partner and overall behavior with her sister made me think initially that she seduced the man she killed so she had an excuse to kill him. When we saw her perspective later and realized she did feel violated, I was surprised, which points in the direction of inconsistent characterization. If you loved this film, tell me why because I don’t get it but am willing to see other points of view

The third is She-Devil, directed by Susan Seidelman. This is one of the worst films ever made, taking a very serious novel with well-used black humor and turning it into a terribly unfunny slapstick comedy starring Roseanne Barr, Meryl Streep and Ed Begley Jr. I suspect the semi-positive reviews were down to Streep’s presence in the film. However, it was a delight finding it on this list anyway because the screenplay was “based” on the novel The Lives and Loves of a She-Devil by Fay Weldon. Though I have not reviewed any of her work on this site, I’ve mentioned her often, and it was painful seeing her work so terribly degraded because I am serious when I say the film adaptation sucks a’plenty.

Excuse me as I begin to go off on another tangent somewhat unrelated to the ‘zine in question.

But the book the film was based on is resplendent. No one handles revenge better than Fay Weldon did. In fact, critic Regina Barreca included Fay Weldon’s work in Sweet Revenge: The Wicked Delights of Getting Even. It would be a near-book length entry to discuss the things that happened to Weldon that caused her to seek revenge in her often autobiographical books, but she took some outrageous slings and arrows of fate and turned them into amusing, startling and provocative books. In the actual novel, Ruth, the fat and unattractive protagonist, loses her husband Bob to a beautiful romance novelist, Mary. Mary schemes to break up the marriage and succeeds and Ruth disappears with little more than the clothes on her back. She spends years making connections, earning money, and setting the stage for her ultimate revenge. Brick by brick, she disassembles Mary’s perfect life via her behind the scenes machinations and the coup de grace was several years of surgeries that left her looking identical to Mary. She even had lengths of her leg bones removed to reduce her height. Looking exactly like her defeated rival, she swoops back in to regain her husband who has been so broken by events that one is not sure if he understands he is now with Ruth, and we leave the novel wondering how much Bob is going to suffer for his callous cruelty and abandonment of his loyal wife.

Snerting at two of the three films in this ‘zine isn’t a slight against the list or those who compiled the list. Though these films are touted as the “best” ten revenge movies directed by women, the fact is that there are not that many films that meet the criteria. There are a couple of films on the top ten list I want to see, namely Promising Young Woman because I initially thought that it was based on the Caroline O’Donoghue novel, Promising Young Women. It isn’t but I adore Clancy Brown and the reviews seem good so I am eager to check it out. There are others in there that seem worth watching but I won’t spoil things further and instead encourage you to check out these ‘zine makers. I will be discussing another ‘zine from APac for Oddtober.

Though this list didn’t necessarily ring many “best film” bells for me, the creators took the time to search out films that weren’t immediate ringers that many have seen. I know they were trying to present more obscure films because they placed three of the most famous revenge films women directed in a sort of “honorable mention” list. I’ve definitely seen Baise-Moi, Monster and Jennifer’s Body, and excluding them ensured I got to know about more films I hadn’t seen. I appreciate the attempt to introduce the reader to something new. Also extremely helpful is a master list of all the movies they considered for this list and I was pleased to see that Carrie 2 was on it.

And I really appreciate the opportunity to redirect people from the terrible She-Devil to the darkly delightful Lives and Loves of a She-Devil.

Hawk & Handsaw by Max McNabb

I met Max McNabb when he sent me this ‘zine. I was so excited about finding a fellow traveler in Texana and the weirdness that is so often present in our homeland that I intended to discuss it immediately. However, I kind of got lost posting over here for a while and that didn’t happen until now but I recall bonding with him on Facebook over the Josiah Wilbarger case. We both appear to have encyclopedic knowledge of the man who was scalped by Comanches and left to die. Sarah Hornsby, whose husband was a friend of Wilbarger’s, had repeated dreams telling her he was still alive, as well as where he was, and she finally persuaded a search party to go back out to find them (she called them cowards and goaded them until they finally took her seriously) and sure enough he was exactly where she said he would be. When he recovered he spoke of how his sister Margaret, who was far away in Missouri, had appeared to him and told him to be calm and that help was on the way. He later found out that Margaret had died two weeks before the scalping. Wilbarger somehow lived for over a decade after being rescued. I photographed the place where he was scalped and wrote an article about him, but I would need NASA to comb through my hard drive to find it.

Regardless, Max and I have a remarkable overlap in interests: Texas, ghost stories (preferably set in Texas), high weirdness, conspiracy theory, folklore and alternative looks at history and politics. All are present in Hawk & Handsaw, which takes its title from Hamlet:

I am but mad north-northwest. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw.

This is a delightful ‘zine, covering a wide array of topics, among them: Texas tales of cryptids, ghost lights and UFOs, an attempt to correct common misconceptions about the Boston Tea Party, an interview with author Max Evans, a list of lesser-known Bob Dylan songs, and an original poem and comic strip. But the topic that interested me the most was a single page where McNabb presents hobo glyphs.

If you are unfamiliar with hobo glyphs, they are symbols that rail riders would carve into train trestles to relay information about the general area to other travelers. Hard-nosed sheriffs, unfriendly townsfolk, guard dogs and more all had their specific symbols so that hobos would know when to step lightly. There were positive symbols, as well, including depictions of people who would give them money to get out of town, towns that served alcohol, and hobo friendly churches.

The symbol that is most important to me is the symbol for “kind hearted woman.” It’s an image of a smiling cat and it indicated that a kind woman lived in a home near the tracks. It isn’t listed in the symbols McNabb presents in his ‘zine, but as I hope I have shown throughout this long look at ‘zines, a good ‘zine often causes these sorts of tangents. My grandparents lived next to a rail line in Lawn, Texas. That train track played a huge role in my mother’s life as she often played near the trestles. The train track was so important in her life that part of my mother’s ashes were spread there. So of course I heard a lot about that train track when my mother felt nostalgic (and I will note that even though she basically roamed the ranch, rode pigs, and wandered all over the train tracks, often barefoot, she didn’t permit me to leave my grandparent’s front yard when we visited).

My mother’s stories may not always come from a place of objective absolute truth because family legends can get garbled – she told me we had a lot of American Indian blood but 23 & Me begged to differ – but I recall her telling me that the trestles near her childhood home bore hobo glyphs, including the image of the smiling cat that represents the “soft hearted woman.” That glyph specifically meant that nearby lived a woman who would be willing to offer them food if asked. I was a child when my grandmother died, and she was very sick during my life, so my main memories are of her being very unwell. However, I know my grandmother exhibited the type of generosity one often saw in people who survived the sort of extreme poverty that the modern American mind has a hard time understanding. If she had food, she would have offered any she had if a hungry person showed up on her porch. I recall her once scraping off table scraps for the feral cats that managed to survive the coyotes, cementing even further the association of my grandmother with happy cats. She made sure my favorite food of hers was on offer every time I visited – her creamed corn was such a family favorite that we’ve all tried to recreate it, but to no avail.

Her influence was seen very clearly in my mother’s approach to food, and in mine, too. My mother loved to cook for people. I would come home from working my after-school job at Michaels to find members of my high school debate team hanging out with her and her husband. They came over because they knew my mother would cook them all kinds of indulgent foods. Fried chicken and mac and cheese were popular but sometimes they would just raid the fridge for leftovers, to her absolute delight. I show similar tendencies, especially with holiday baking.

To see the kind hearted woman pin in more detail, click this image.

The kind hearted woman symbol has carried a lot of weight with me throughout my life, and when I saw a pin that depicted the symbol, I bought it and now keep it with the handful of my grandmother’s remaining possessions I have displayed behind glass. I did not expect to break down in tears reading McNabb’s ‘zine, remembering those lost to me and the stories that are a part of my family legend, but here we are.

I haven’t seen much from Max McNabb across the social media sites where we are “mutuals” and I suspect the social conflagrations of 2020 that degenerated into identity political witch hunts on both sides of the political spectrum may have affected him the way it affected me. I hope he is doing well, and I hope he sees this and knows the unlikely effect a simple graph of glyphs had on me. I don’t see that Hawk & Handsaw is available for sale but there is a “contact me” section on his website where you can reach him to see if he has any copies to spare.

Murder Can Be Fun, the Naughty Children Edition by Johnny Marr

I was hoping this black cat hovering over this ‘zine would create an air of menace. It didn’t work.

The Murder Can Be Fun ‘zines were my favorite ‘zines from the nineties. I let people borrow copies, never to get them back, and now all I have left is issue #17, which handles the topic of children who kill.

I believe I purchased this copy at the old Fringeware store on Guadalupe sometime in 1997 or 1998. At the time I was a walking, talking, fretting true crime podcast, though podcasts had yet to be invented, and when I saw this edition of my favorite ‘zine, I had to purchase it. (As an aside, talking about Fringeware, the alt.culture in Austin that began to die shortly after we moved here, the delightful feeling of finally finding people with similar interests on late nineties message boards, are my version of “I remember when you could see a movie for a dime and could leave the front door unlocked at night.” They are memories of a halcyon time when suddenly information became available and only a few of us knew it was out there.)

This ‘zine set off a maniacal attempt to find as much information about a youthful killer as I could. The only mention she has in Murder Can Be Fun #17 is in the quotes section, a sort of “Child Killers Say the Darnedest Things” where Marr collected some statements by killer kids. There were two quotes from an eleven-year-old girl named Mary Bell but she isn’t mentioned anywhere else in the ‘zine.

I’d like to be a nurse because then I can stick needles in people. I like hurting people.

and

Murder isn’t that bad. We all die sometimes.

There is a famous picture of a little girl who survived life in a concentration camp who is told to draw her home. She drew frantic, jagged circles and her thousand yard stare cuts viewers deep. Mary Bell had the same stare.

For the next two years I scoured the earth for mentions of Mary Bell. I was unable to find much but eventually tracked down a book by investigative journalist Gitta Sereny, who spoke at length with Mary when she was freshly convicted. Long out of print, I could only get a copy from the UT law library but after killer culture become much more popular, Sereny released another, updated book about Mary. Sereny said that Mary Bell endured some of the worst child abuse she had ever seen or heard of, and in general had a lot of sympathy for Mary.

Mary, with a friend named Norma Bell (no relation, strangely enough) strangled two boys to death. Mary was eleven and Norma was thirteen but Mary was the dominant of the two. Mary deliberately lured the two toddler boys to their deaths and wrote odd notes left in a nursery school taking responsibility for the murder of one of the boys, Martin Brown.

The most puzzling note Mary wrote said, “I murder so that I may come back.” Mary and Norma had a history of attacking small children, and after they killed Martin Brown, they enjoyed tormenting the family as they mourned. They took turns asking Martin’s mother if they could see him. When Martin’s mother gently reminded them her son was dead, Mary replied that she knew he was dead and wanted to see him in his coffin. At age 11 years and six months old, Mary was the youngest convicted murderer in the UK, a record she still holds.

Mary escaped confinement at least once but she was eventually let go from prison when she was 23. She had a baby, a little girl, in 1984 and lived in relative peace and without further offenses but in 1998, the press discovered the new name she was given upon release and outed her and her teenage daughter. Mary had to be relocated and given a new name, and Mary fought very hard to ensure her daughter was able to maintain anonymity.

I keep harping on this point, but the beauty of most ‘zines for me is the potential for larger conversations or to fall down rabbit holes. Mary Bell became a years-long rabbit hole for me because of two quotes in a ‘zine about murderous children.

This ‘zine covers several killers whose names may not ring bells with even the most seasoned true crime fans. The most “famous” of the children discussed was the terror Jesse Pomeroy but few others have much name recognition, like Hannah Ocuish, a mixed race child who lived in miserable poverty in the late eighteenth century, and she slashed another girl’s throat over an argument about stolen strawberries. Much of the book discusses “trends” in childish mayhem, like the amusing pastime of derailing trains and strange drownings. Very interesting to me were the stories of children who were executed for their crimes. Hannah Ocuish appears to be the youngest person executed in the United States, but there were two slave boys who were not too much older when they went to the gallows for murder. The youngest murderer recorded in the USA? In 1921 in Rhode Island, a three year old boy deliberately strangled his playmate because he didn’t like her anymore.

This is a fact-packed ‘zine, and though it is hard to find a copy, should you find one that is affordable, you could do worse things with your money.

Reflection by Compact Squirrel

If this were Instagram, there would be endless comments about how Basic Bitch my perfume tastes are.

Reflection is another artfully folded micro-zine that feels like someone is sharing both their talent and their passion directly to readers. It has the same level of intimacy I found in I Got That B-Movie Autism, and it has the same ability to provoke conversation. The drawings in Reflection are quite pretty, and the message is one that matters less and less to me but is an important one for young women (and possibly men, too) who are grappling with identity and how their appearance shapes their prospects in life. It can often feel like we have to take off our real selves and put on a new appearance as easily as we change clothes and this little ‘zine focuses on that issue in a visually appealing but creepy way.

This is a conversation that each new generation of women is forced to have, for a variety of reasons. It can be easy to place the blame for female self-image problems on social media, the male gaze, relentless marketing that makes young women feel as if they need to change their appearances to achieve what the current arbiters of beauty decide is the new standard. We are currently seeing a cultural shift in how American woman are supposed to look and women who made drastic changes to themselves will find it hard to meet new standards. For example, women who received brazilian butt lifts are out of luck as the thinner silhouette is gaining ground again, and over-filled lips are being replaced by more defined cupid’s bows. What will happen to all the women who got buccal fat removal when it becomes chic to have chubby cheeks?

It’s not lost on me how violent this image is. It reminds me of the skin suits Jame Gumb made in Silence of the Lambs.

However, while culture influences this sense that our appearances are coats we should shed as the world sees fit, the fact remains that what women experience today is what women experienced two thousand years ago. Makeup, hair dye, body henna, altering body shape with clothing, different hair styles from one generation to the next… It almost seems as if pursuing continual changes in appearance are an innate part of the female human experience.

Remarkably, I recall where I got this ‘zine and why I bought it. I got it from Compact Squirrel’s Etsy store and I bought it because the title and the artwork were appealing to me. I’m an Elder Hag so the beauty standards have little significance in my own life, but I’m going to tell you something strange about me: I don’t look like me. And don’t ask me to explain it because I’m not entirely sure what that means. When I talk about it, people assume I am describing some form of body dysmorphia or a lack of face recognition. Neither are at play for me. It’s just that I intuitively know that when I look in the mirror, the face that looks back at me isn’t quite right. Part of the problem is that I look so different from photo to photo that even if I did not have this “problem” I still wouldn’t see the “real” me in photos. But the main issue is that I have what seems like a memory of a face that is like the one I have now but different somehow so every time I see myself it’s startling. It’s not because I am aging because I recall thinking this way when I was a teen. I wonder if other women feel similarly and find it just as difficult to speak about it coherently. Perhaps my bizarre reaction to my face is secretly common and fuels youthful body and facial alteration. Probably not, but you never know until you speak about it.

Also I feel I need to mention that ‘zine authors are notoriously generous about sending fun freebies with a ‘zine purchase. Along with the ‘zine, Compact Squirrel sent me some tentacle stickers and what appears to be a glow-in-the-dark tooth sticker that I gave to Mr. OTC. Good times!