You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?

This post originally appeared on I Read Odd Books

Yes, yes, I know. It’s a cliche to discuss the search strings that show up in your user stats as people search for random things online. But everything’s a cliche these day. Calling things a cliche is sort of a cliche. So here we are.

“graveyard dirt sat on a roast while menstruating”
Two people this month thus far have landed on this site with this search string. Is it really that odd, that a woman sat naked on a roast? Maybe it is. I mean, I haven’t done it and feel no urge but I think this would be odder if she had sat on a dog while naked and menstruating, or on your grandpa, or a stranger’s fully loaded Toyota Camry. But alas, while I have discussed Ms Graveyarddirt over here, I cannot help you get to the pictures of her most notorious act.

“8 yod girls want sex”
So… Anyone have any idea what this is about?  Is this motherfucker asking if 8 year old girls want sex?  What the hell? Fuck you, no they don’t.  Thanks for coming to me so we could clear that up together.

“adderall addiction paranoid boyfriend. heating”
I sort of sense that period followed by an H is a mistype and the searcher likely meant “beating.” Oh this world…

“better word for collection of short stories”
Anthology. Glad I could help.

“do they have book about cannibals”
Indeed, they do.  They have lots of them.

“half shirts fucking movies”
No idea what this could mean. None whatsoever.

“if you spend every day chopping up meat on a slab and selling it”
You will likely be called a butcher? I don’t know. I am mostly appalled that I immediately knew which entry I wrote caused this lost soul to come to IROB – Leopold Stein’s frightening treatise on the female patients who terrified him because women with mental illness are ABSOLUTE EXAMPLES OF HUMAN EVIL, Loathsome Women.

“ireadoddbooks adam parfrey”
“ireadoddbooks jim goad”
“ireadoddbooks parfrey”
“ireadoddbooks tethers”
Holy crap, this means people specifically searched for books on this site. Like there was a pre-existing awareness that IROB is here. Like maybe they read my discussions and felt the need to search for them again. Oh my ego!

“is it legal to read fiction bestiality”
God, I hope so or we’re all gonna do time.

“list of zoophilia fiction”
“sexy write-ups on bestiality(horse)”
James Steele, are you reading this? Your touching novella of a horse dildo is why search strings like this happen. You man. It’s all you.  And yet I still somehow feel it’s all my fault.

“science fiction book where the main character gets an anal probe”
You’re gonna have to narrow it down.

“what was the bird-serpent war in history”
I don’t know but I do know it happened around the time the poles shifted.  If you find out, come back and tell me.

“the evil gringo blogger”
Evil Gringo, what the fuck have you been doing? You have a blog? Why did I not know of this?

“what happens if you shoplift from american apparel”
You end up with a book deal and slavering fans who continue to this day to dog the hell out of people who found your prose lacking. That’s what happens if you shoplift from American Apparel.  Also your dick falls off.

“lesley ann downey photos”
“lesley ann downey ian brady photos”
“lesley ann downey ian brady audiotape”
These particular strings come up a lot. Guys, you’re not gonna find her autopsy photos, or any of the photos and audio recordings Myra and Ian took of this child here on the public Internet. If they are out there you are gonna have to search the deep web and you may want to think about it before you take that step to find images of a tortured, murdered child and the sounds she made when begging for her mother.  Not moralizing here.  I’ve searched for terrible things.  But I’ve also found some stuff online that, once I found it, left a stain my soul that can never wash away.  Just throwing it out there that maybe you don’t want to see or hear these things if you know it may haunt you forever.

“rubbed a pregnant belly (horror fiction)”
From your keyboard comes much truth, anonymous web surfer.

These are the highlights from May and June. For all those who landed here hoping to find horse porn and tapes of murdered children, sorry to have misled you. Alas, I feel this is my curse for refusing to take SEO seriously.